I received a phone call today, which I let go to voice mail. It was the Reproductive Center for Kaiser Permanente apologizing for the almost 4 month delay on the referral my doctor had sent them. Listening to the message, my heart just drops. A million questions run frantically through my head.
Why do I have to do this again?
Why can’t I just be “normal“?
Do I want to go through all of this again?
Am I strong enough? Physically and mentally?
Am I going through too much stress right now to even consider trying to conceive again?
Can we financially afford another child?
I can’t help but tear up a little bit when I starting thinking of all of this. Going through trials and them not taking is painful. Knowing that you are the one that has the infertility issue makes it all the worse. I always feel like I have let my husband down, even though I know he doesn’t feel this way. And in some sort of odd way, I feel like I have let myself down as well.
Even though we did conceive about 5 years ago and we became parents to a beautifully amazing daughter, I have this gut feeling that it may be tougher this time. I am in my, I guess, mid 30’s now and I’m sure my egg count is significantly lower because of that. Seriously, just typing this is giving me anxiety.
I do want another kid (it would be awesome if we were blessed with a boy this time around, even though my daughter prefers a sister) and Em would be such an amazing big sister. She has this certain knack with little kids. They LOVE her! And she adores them! People call her the “Little Mama” because she tries to take care of the younger kids when she is around them. I would like to have another kid before she gets any older, there is already going to be a 6 year difference between the ages.
Cost is another huge factor in all of this. Fertility treatments are expensive! We do have some insurance help this time, but still, money is tight right now and I don’t know if we can really spare the extra $100 per visit. But, again, with that come the “I want to get it done before I’m older” thing.
Too much, just too much!
People often wonder why I share this personal information about myself with strangers. The fact of the matter is that if I’m able to help anyone else that is going through the same thing for the first time or even the 100th by sharing my story, then I am going to. It’s not an easy subject to be open with. It hurts and every time you tell it, it just reopens that wound. But I would rather reopen that wound to give hope to others (since I did end up conceiving) than keep it sealed shut.
Infertility is depressing, scary, difficult and painful, but it’s not the end all of everything. There are always alternatives, whether it be treatment, surrogacy or adoption. Families aren’t unattainable, just sometimes it requires a little more faith, strength and devoted love to get there.
The Graying Chronicles 