There are plenty of things I am afraid of, most of which crept up once I had my child. The fear of being a parent can be overwhelming. In the comedic words of Jim Breuer “(speaking as God) This could change your life. I bring it to you as an angel. But remember to watch and guide closely because they could die at any second, good luck”. Oh how I felt this the first moment I saw my daughter. She was the most beautiful, amazing and terrifying thing I had ever seen. As they grow older and more mobile, the scarier everything gets. There’s the “Oh don’t do that” or “don’t grab that” or “don’t open that”. At times I felt like a broken record, repeating the same phrases over and over again. Sometimes I really wish I could just be like my husband, so relaxed and laid back. No over bearing ways (which I am sure will change once she becomes a teenager, then I will mock him as he mocks me), no over reacting to situations. Unlike me who over reacts to every situation regarding my child.
Then one day I came to the realization that I am my mother! What the heck! When did this happen?!? I always vowed that I would not be over protective like my mom was. She always laughed at me and said I will be worse once I had a child. Dear God she couldn’t have been more right. Now she laughs and shakes her head when I tell her things. It’s like “welcome to the dark side my child”. Now don’t get me wrong. My mom is an amazing woman and I consider her one of my best friends. We have a just me and her day (which usually consists of chores), but the point is, it’s OUR time and I truly enjoy the time we spend together. Growing up in her house however was always trying for me. I am the first born. I wasn’t able to go out at night. I wasn’t able to go ride my bike or take walks with friends. I wasn’t allowed to date in high school. Being a teenager was truly tough. I rebelled once on Junior Prom night, sneaking off with my date in his car, which was parked in front of my mom’s house (I know, I know, stupid). I thought I was being so sly. Little did I know she was staring out the window when the limo pulled up and dropped us all off. I was only out for like a half hour (ooohh REBEL) but when I walked into that house, holy shit. Let’s just say that was the only and last time I defied my mother. Life lesson to anyone out there reading this, don’t piss off the small people (she is only 4’11”). They are scary as shit. So since I am only 5’3″ I hope my small stature can put that same fear into my child. Although, pretty sure it won’t. She is one strong willed individual already and she is only 3. I can only imaging what the teenage years will bring. I’m pretty sure a whole head of gray hair and a million and one wrinkles (woot, woot).
Even with the realization that I am my mother, I am probably 10x worse that her. I worry WAY too much. I let my fear of everything run all my decisions, but she is my baby and always will be. I can’t change me, although I can work on getting better with it. I’ve never felt so much love before in my life until I saw my child and all I want is to keep her as safe as possible. I know she needs to learn, make her own mistakes and grow from them and with my every so calm husband I’m sure I will be put into check many times. No matter how strict I am with her I just remind myself of my years growing up and then look at my life now. I grew up as a good kid and a pretty well adjusted adult and the relationship I have now with my mom is amazing and I wouldn’t change any of that. I can only hope when my little one grows up she can understand me a little better, have respect for me and hopefully we have a relationship like my mom and I do.
I’ve always wanted to be a mommy. Like every little girl, I had my baby dolls and cared for them as if they were real. “Changed” their diapers, “fed” them, put them “to bed”, you know, the normal child like stuff.
That feeling never changed as I got older. So when I finally met my now husband and we began trying to have a family, it became upsetting that this dream was not turning into reality. After 2 years of trying, I finally built up the courage to go to a fertility specialist (after my “normal” doctors were of no help to me). I came to find out that the reason I wasn’t getting pregnant was because of me. Now to any woman, no matter who you are, when hearing that there is something wrong with “you” and that “you” were the problem as to why “you” can’t get pregnant it’s absolutely devastating. Of course I spiraled into a little bit of depression, feeling as if I was broken, but luckily there was treatment I could go through to help.
My issue was that I have over 20 cysts on each ovary. When I saw the ultrasound I was shocked at the picture. It was like seeing a gang of angry circles closing in on my innocent little ovaries. And because of these evil, dark cysts I didn’t ovulate, which in laymen terms means no ovulate no pregnant.
So through endless blood tests (which I am hugely needle-phobic so obviously this was some awesome, amazing fun times for me) and a few hormone shots in the stomach (yeah, more of that awesome fun time) I finally became pregnant at the beginning of 2009.
My daughter decided that she didn’t want to move into the “correct position” so she stayed breached the entire time, forcing me to have a C-section. (I should have known then how stubborn she was going to turn out to be)
The day she arrived was the BEST day of my life and also the scariest. What do I do with this thing? She is so small and helpless, what if I break her? And after 5 days of being in the hospital (her temperature kept dropping) I was finally able to bring my darling baby girl home. I literally broke down crying when I pulled into my driveway. What if I can’t do this? What if I’m a horrible mother and I seriously scar my child for LIFE!!!!!
I laugh at myself now. Sure, I still don’t really know what the heck I am doing. I’m just making it up as I go along, with advise from my friends and of course my mother who has been through it all. Now that my kid is 3 I feel as if my hair is graying a lot faster than it should. Seriously, there are new hairs EVERY DAY!!!! Not cool universe, not cool. I am only 33 for Gods sake!
I don’t care what people say, 3 is a really difficult, frustrating age. I really feel as if I woke up one morning and all of a sudden I have a 13 year old living in my house. It’s not just “NO” to everything. It is a demanding “NO” with actual thought up reasoning behind it. A full on argument if you will. WTH!!! I was not prepared for this so soon. I really thought the whole mom/daughter butt heads things was way way way down the line.
For example, tonight I fixed mexican food for dinner. I asked my kid “would you like a cheese quesadilla?” She looks at me with a disgusted look and says “Um, NO. I want a burrito”. Ok, burrito. “What kind of burrito” I ask trying not to get irritated. “Just cheese in it, that’s all” Come On! Isn’t that basically a quesadilla?!? So I made it anyway (the quesadilla). She threw the BIGGEST fit because it wasn’t a burrito and refused to eat it. I tried to be a smartass and roll it up like a burrito, but the little sucker still wouldn’t eat it and then proceeded to back talk me with the head shaking, rolling of the eyes and smart little lip. Pre-teen 101 she has down. All she has to do is learn how to snap her fingers and she’s got it all down. It’s so angering, they can’t do that. So what do you do when the time outs don’t work, taking things away doesn’t work and calmly talking just creates more friction? I have absolutely no idea, but I guess I will just learn as I go.
Well, that is a little bit about my mommy-hood life at the moment and I hope through this blog I can share humorous insights into my life as a first time mom.