There are plenty of things I am afraid of, most of which crept up once I had my child. The fear of being a parent can be overwhelming. In the comedic words of Jim Breuer “(speaking as God) This could change your life. I bring it to you as an angel. But remember to watch and guide closely because they could die at any second, good luck”. Oh how I felt this the first moment I saw my daughter. She was the most beautiful, amazing and terrifying thing I had ever seen. As they grow older and more mobile, the scarier everything gets. There’s the “Oh don’t do that” or “don’t grab that” or “don’t open that”. At times I felt like a broken record, repeating the same phrases over and over again. Sometimes I really wish I could just be like my husband, so relaxed and laid back. No over bearing ways (which I am sure will change once she becomes a teenager, then I will mock him as he mocks me), no over reacting to situations. Unlike me who over reacts to every situation regarding my child.
Then one day I came to the realization that I am my mother! What the heck! When did this happen?!? I always vowed that I would not be over protective like my mom was. She always laughed at me and said I will be worse once I had a child. Dear God she couldn’t have been more right. Now she laughs and shakes her head when I tell her things. It’s like “welcome to the dark side my child”. Now don’t get me wrong. My mom is an amazing woman and I consider her one of my best friends. We have a just me and her day (which usually consists of chores), but the point is, it’s OUR time and I truly enjoy the time we spend together. Growing up in her house however was always trying for me. I am the first born. I wasn’t able to go out at night. I wasn’t able to go ride my bike or take walks with friends. I wasn’t allowed to date in high school. Being a teenager was truly tough. I rebelled once on Junior Prom night, sneaking off with my date in his car, which was parked in front of my mom’s house (I know, I know, stupid). I thought I was being so sly. Little did I know she was staring out the window when the limo pulled up and dropped us all off. I was only out for like a half hour (ooohh REBEL) but when I walked into that house, holy shit. Let’s just say that was the only and last time I defied my mother. Life lesson to anyone out there reading this, don’t piss off the small people (she is only 4’11”). They are scary as shit. So since I am only 5’3″ I hope my small stature can put that same fear into my child. Although, pretty sure it won’t. She is one strong willed individual already and she is only 3. I can only imaging what the teenage years will bring. I’m pretty sure a whole head of gray hair and a million and one wrinkles (woot, woot).
Even with the realization that I am my mother, I am probably 10x worse that her. I worry WAY too much. I let my fear of everything run all my decisions, but she is my baby and always will be. I can’t change me, although I can work on getting better with it. I’ve never felt so much love before in my life until I saw my child and all I want is to keep her as safe as possible. I know she needs to learn, make her own mistakes and grow from them and with my every so calm husband I’m sure I will be put into check many times. No matter how strict I am with her I just remind myself of my years growing up and then look at my life now. I grew up as a good kid and a pretty well adjusted adult and the relationship I have now with my mom is amazing and I wouldn’t change any of that. I can only hope when my little one grows up she can understand me a little better, have respect for me and hopefully we have a relationship like my mom and I do.